A Personal Message To The Kardashian Family

Some might call me a Kardashians Superfan.  I keep up.  If it’s on I have to watch (not excluding Khloe and Lamar, Miami, NYC).  I once kinked my neck in my sleep while having a dream I was a teen mom giving birth Kourtney Kardashian style.  I’m not sure if you saw that episode, but Kourtney literally reached down during labor and grabbed her newborn son, Mason, during the final push.  I couldn't turn my head for a few days.  

Little Mason’s middle name is “Dash” after their family's fashion boutique in Calabasas.  Five years ago I think I may have chosen “7-11” or “Miller Lite” as my baby’s middle name.  If I followed MTV’s suit and had a baby in high school, I’m pretty sure the baby’s middle name could have been “County Seat” or “Friendly’s”.  Actually, “Friendly’s” is still on the table.  

With tonight’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians season premiere in less than an hour, here are a few personal messages for my favorite reality show blended family:

Kris: You are my 2^nd favorite batsh*t crazy reality show matriarch after Caroline Manzo.  The family made $65M last year.  I’d like to invite you to do an internship (unpaid) this summer where you can manage my career and public image.  Mmmmm kay? 

Rob: Leaving condom wrappers on the floor of your mom’s house is a judgeable offense.  Good luck with managing BG5.  Might be a good way to get back in with Adrienne.  Get some “Cheetah Girl” guidance.

Kourtney: You must be feeling the pressure of finding an NBA player life partner.  Silver lining: If the family hosts pickup basketball games, Scott can be point guard.  Just an FYI, I was willing to help open Dash NYC. 

Scott:  I like Wikipedia’s description for you: “Born on May 26, 1983, Scott is Kourtney's boyfriend and Mason's father. The family often argues over Kourtney's choice of staying with him.”  I’m depressed you dress better than me AND I'm older than you.

Bruce: I was upset when you cut your hair.  I hope to see your feathered hair this season and if I ever meet you, I WILL be running my fingers through your hair.  Also, might be time for a refresh on the Playgirl cover.  Your wife can make it happen.

 

Lamar:  Never call your wife “full figured” but kudos on the rock.  Also, cool it with the baby talk.  You’re going to get your ass kicked in the locker room. 

Khloe:  I like your Louboutins but tone it down on the heel height.  I understand your husband is 8 ft. tall, but you look like a newborn baby deer on ice when you walk.  Also, cool it with the baby talk. 

Kendall and Kylie:  You are only a few years away from “leaking” your own video 

Kim:  Congratulations to you and Kris H on the engagement! Two words: Pre and Nuptial.  I’m dying to see this unfold and secretly disappointed no one thought to feature glittered mini ponies for my 30^th birthday party. 

Maybe for my unisex fragrance launch party…