Life Lessons From Kim Kardashian

I've been really wrestling with whether or not I wanted to blog about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' split.  After much consideration, I just have one comment/life lession to share:

Always wait at least 72 days to give the wedding gift.  (Especially when they register for bedazzled napkin rings).

Kim, I'm Worried About You

Poor, poor Kim Richards.  

I thought Whitney and Bobby were the ultimate reality show train wrecks but Kim Richards is slowly taking the cake...Major damage control needs to be done with this reality show star and former child actor.  If you saw Monday's episode, she unveiled her new boyfriend.  She met him in her neighborhood when she went out to get the mail.  One more reason to switch to paperless billing...What a looker...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I'm almost positive I've seen him on To Catch a Predator toting a grocery bag full of Mike's Hard Lemonades and condoms.  Have a seat...

I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he's her crystal meth dealer.  Just sayin.


I was a fan of Kim long before her Real Housewives debut when she played the naive Cheryl in Meatballs II.  Life lesson learned from Kim in that movie - Never, ever trust a guy named Flash.

Her incessant rambling and outbursts are beyond entertaining.  I'm a little confused as to why she signed up for a 2nd season of Real Housewives, but when you're drinking a tall glass of crazy the decision making skills can really take a nose dive.   Her craziness is almost fascinating to me.  Sometimes I think she's drunk.  Sometimes I think she's high but there's never any evidence that this is the root of the problem.  I'm looking forward to seeing how the reveal of her new relationship unfolds. I'm sure Kyle and Kath Hilton are freaking out...time to pull the cameras girls.

If anyone has insight into what is causing her crazy behavior, I would love to hear it.  I won't be having what Kim Richards is having.


Sidenote: If any one's looking for me this weekend, I'll be hanging out by my mailbox....

Obligatory Blog Slacker Post

Stay tuned.  Been on summer sabbatical...Posts coming soon....

s

Million Dollar Baby

After months of a rigorous and revolutionary exercise routine using dynamic inertia

I’m moving on to boxing class for the first time tomorrow. 

After my coach J gave me the rundown of the workout, I'm confident I will be fine

We Ain't Basketball Wives

"Basketball Wives" is an interesting show title for the VH1 Reality Show.  Considering almost all of the characters featured are not a wife of a basketball player.  Mainly ex girlfriends, ex-wives, and dancers who once ran in the same NBA circle.  No NBA nuptials, however, you can be guaranteed to see some type of hand in the face, drink throwing fight every episode immediately broken up by a security guard.  I would start public fights all the time if I knew someone would be there to break it up IMMEDIATELY. 

So here is my new working title for the show: “We ain’t basketball wives but we like talking sh*t in different restaurants throughout Miami"

Don’t get me wrong I ain’t got no problem with their eloquently spoken conversations followed with “You know what I’m sayin???” after every statement.   Bad acrylic nails and hoop earrings the size of my hand flailing when they launch drinks at each other really round out the show. 

Here's a character run down:

Evelyn:  engaged to a football player. 

Jennifer: married to a basketball player but getting divorced.  She's been dragging that one out for the past 2 seasons. 

Royce:  she is self proclaimed not ghetto but she's hood.  Fantastic dancer.

Suzie:  I'm still trying to figure our how her lisp has helped her land several basketball players.  If her and I ever meet, I’m going to ask her to say “pizza and orange juice” 

Shaunie: my favorite.  Shaq’s ex wife.  She is about four feet tall and loves to get the gals together to stir up some drama. 

Meeka:  WOW.  She can talk. 

Tami: from The Real World San Fran.  She’s always been a favorite reality show character of mine.   Does anyone remember when she had her jaw wired shut to lose weight?  Always a great move when you're filming a reality show.

This quote was recently featured:  "I can change my hair, I can change my clothes but she can’t change the fact that she’s ho."

And with POWERFUL statements like that I will be tuning in regularly.   My only suggestion: Let’s get the Kardashian sisters in the mix here.  Crap, Khloe is ACTUALLY married to a player.  That ain’t gonna work.  Ya know what I’m sayin??

I Have A New Crush

It happened.  I'm in love with a new power couple. I’ve always been a fan of Ice-T and when I heard his wife Coco was getting some air time I was beyond ecstatic.  I haven’t been this big of a fan of a couple since Nick and Jessica.  In fact, I might finally be over their break up.  This might be the first year I don't have Newlyweds delivered by Netflix and watch hours of Jessica struggling to balance getting her nails done and making Nick dinner.  This is a lie.  I own Newlyweds. 

  

Back to Ice and Coco.  Here’s where I fell in love:

They share the same cell phone.  No Weinergate incidents on the horizon here.

The dog – Spartacus.  Completely untrained and yet looking to get him into an acting career.  FAIL.

Practical workout gear: clear stripper stilletto heels.

In the first scene, Ice spills on his shirt and goes on a rant about how he can’t be seen in a greasy pimp shirt.  Good to know the pimp shirt etiquette and I’m confident there will be more fashion advice this season.

Her “team” of 2 people to manage her D- List catalog model career.  The run through of possible facial expressions for her wedding couture shoot was amazing.  Sidenote: I WILL be wearing hot pink limp plumper on my wedding day.

How they met:  she told him she wanted a nice guy.   That was the cue for the line: 'If you take the 'n' away from nice you get 'ice' baby.'

He had me at hello.

A Personal Message To The Kardashian Family

Some might call me a Kardashians Superfan.  I keep up.  If it’s on I have to watch (not excluding Khloe and Lamar, Miami, NYC).  I once kinked my neck in my sleep while having a dream I was a teen mom giving birth Kourtney Kardashian style.  I’m not sure if you saw that episode, but Kourtney literally reached down during labor and grabbed her newborn son, Mason, during the final push.  I couldn't turn my head for a few days.  

Little Mason’s middle name is “Dash” after their family's fashion boutique in Calabasas.  Five years ago I think I may have chosen “7-11” or “Miller Lite” as my baby’s middle name.  If I followed MTV’s suit and had a baby in high school, I’m pretty sure the baby’s middle name could have been “County Seat” or “Friendly’s”.  Actually, “Friendly’s” is still on the table.  

With tonight’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians season premiere in less than an hour, here are a few personal messages for my favorite reality show blended family:

Kris: You are my 2^nd favorite batsh*t crazy reality show matriarch after Caroline Manzo.  The family made $65M last year.  I’d like to invite you to do an internship (unpaid) this summer where you can manage my career and public image.  Mmmmm kay? 

Rob: Leaving condom wrappers on the floor of your mom’s house is a judgeable offense.  Good luck with managing BG5.  Might be a good way to get back in with Adrienne.  Get some “Cheetah Girl” guidance.

Kourtney: You must be feeling the pressure of finding an NBA player life partner.  Silver lining: If the family hosts pickup basketball games, Scott can be point guard.  Just an FYI, I was willing to help open Dash NYC. 

Scott:  I like Wikipedia’s description for you: “Born on May 26, 1983, Scott is Kourtney's boyfriend and Mason's father. The family often argues over Kourtney's choice of staying with him.”  I’m depressed you dress better than me AND I'm older than you.

Bruce: I was upset when you cut your hair.  I hope to see your feathered hair this season and if I ever meet you, I WILL be running my fingers through your hair.  Also, might be time for a refresh on the Playgirl cover.  Your wife can make it happen.

 

Lamar:  Never call your wife “full figured” but kudos on the rock.  Also, cool it with the baby talk.  You’re going to get your ass kicked in the locker room. 

Khloe:  I like your Louboutins but tone it down on the heel height.  I understand your husband is 8 ft. tall, but you look like a newborn baby deer on ice when you walk.  Also, cool it with the baby talk. 

Kendall and Kylie:  You are only a few years away from “leaking” your own video 

Kim:  Congratulations to you and Kris H on the engagement! Two words: Pre and Nuptial.  I’m dying to see this unfold and secretly disappointed no one thought to feature glittered mini ponies for my 30^th birthday party. 

Maybe for my unisex fragrance launch party…

What Did Matt Lauer Do Last Night?

He rented “BEACHES”.  Starring Bette Midler as Meredith Vieira and Barbara Hershey as Ann Curry.

I don’t think I need to explain the plot here but Matt cried tears of joy at the end. 

And longed for the days where he wouldn’t be told “Good Morning” at least 20 times every day by his co-anchor.  Where the fake smiles don’t flow like wine and each morning isn’t like an awkward family photo shoot.

This picture sits framed on his nightstand (in the drawer during the day) and he says this to himself (after his wife falls asleep)

Meredith, you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.  Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?  You’re everything, everything I wish I could be.

This picture is placed on the dartboard in his garage. 

He’s up swigging beers and throwing darts until 2AM.  After much resistance getting into the limo sitting outside his house at 2:30AM, he heads to Studio 1A.  Tears streaming down his face as he clutches the picture of Meredith.

Off to Makeup.  Preparation H applied below the eyes and an extra layer of cover up goes on his face.  He sits in the chair and looks stratight ahead:

THIS IS TODAY ON NBC.  With Matt Lauer and Anne Curry.    

Lauer welcomes her, saying she had already been on the show so long that "it's a little bit like a member of the family moving to a new seat at the table."  He’s still drunk.  ZING.

Rockefeller Plaza will never be the same. 

Shhhh. Don't Tell Bernie. Don't Tell Me Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??

I’d like to tell Bernie he looks like the kid on Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that lives in the TV.

 

7 News is by far my favorite local news affiliate and I’ve recently noticed the WHDH production team has taken on the same layout as our dear friends at Bernie & Phyl’s:

The MORE disproportionate people on TV look, the BETTER.

Poor Amanda Grace.  I bet when she was studying TV Journalism, she didn’t think she’d have to look like Tinkerbell flying around the news station every morning placed next to a giant screen rolling through the top stories.     

I thought this standing business was for the meteorology team and I would think one of the major perks of news casting would be filming from the waist up only.  I would most definitely rarely wear pants and on days I felt the need ( if I had lunch plans or something after my shift), I would wear something similar to my celebration pants – my most treasured pajama pants from 1999 covered in champagne bottles purchased in anticipation of the millennium celebration.  They looked great paired with a pair of penny loafers and a large red hooded sweatshirt. (This calls for a special shoutout to my friend LB who thanks to her tenacity and a couple of highlighters saved us from the Y2K crash) .  Thank YOU.

I wouldn’t be surprised if under that desk, Adam was wearing jorts of various styles and Anne could be wearing wind pants for all we know.

 

This morning, Anne Alred was questioning Meredith about her last day and the awkwardness level was a strong 8.  At first Meredith ignored her and then when she did respond, she has clearly checked out.  This was undoubtedly confirmed when at the end of the “Would you pay to watch tigers feed on live prey?” story, her response was : “Whatever”.  It's funny to think about giving your notice at The Today Show...if you give your notice at a desk job, you've definitely checked out immediately after or even before.  It's going to be entertaining to watch this carefree attitude unfold on National TV. 

7 News doesn’t always hit the mark on fashion choices, but I do enjoy the awkward commentary with each other and the Today Show team.  As much as I’m dreading Ann Curry moving into that seat, I’m very much looking forward to these interactions. 

Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning EVERYONE.

Don't Smoke In Your Twin Bed

Today’s a big day.  New Kids On The Block LIVE on The Today Show.  Fans swooning while Meredith, Matt and Ann awkwardly (implied) dance.  Brings back fond and funny memories from my childhood:

My older sister and I are 4 years apart and shared a room.  Two twin beds, clip lights, walls and doors plastered with NKOTB and 90210 posters, and militant rules to abide by for the younger sibling.  I was forced to be a fan of NKOTB with the décor of our room and also conned into making her bed daily for 5 pennies.  I was offered either $1 dollar or 5 pennies.  I chose the latter. They were really shiny pennies and it seemed like a great deal at the time. If I knew then, what I know now, I might have gone "Emily Valentine" on her and threatened to light her mattress on fire with our 100 watt bulb clip lights.  But at the time I was just happy to be included and wasn’t exchanging eggs to get into clubs.  I was riding my bike to King’s Spa and smoking dusty candy cigarettes on my swingset.

I loved that swingset.  My parents never skimped on backyard fun and this swingset was no joke.  Until one day when the swingset won.  I used to love twisting myself up in the swing, letting go and spinning super fast.  It’s a great time until you’re dangling by your hair caught in said swing, yelling for help to aloof neighbors, then hoisting yourself up to unleash the swing.  Not many kids can say they’ve run into their house with a swing still attached to their head.  My mother had a good laugh as she tore the swing out of my hair.  I’m sure with the stress of that ordeal I was craving a candy cigarette BAD…3 days of bed making and luckily I could get my fix.  I showed my sister though.  When my parents confronted me about who had carved their name in the window sill, I placed the blame on her.  I was framed OBVIOUSLY. 

Sidenote: I was/am a huge Dylan McKay fan and throroughly enjoyed the life size poster on the back of our door.  The Christian Laettner shrine, however, was questionable.

Baby Zolciak Not Tardy For The Party

A quick shoutout and Congratulations to Kim Zolciak and Kroy Bierman on the birth of their son Kroy!...



Both Mom and Baby are doing well:

Stedman's Favorite Things

When most people think of Nantucket, they imagine sear sucker pants and cardigans draped over the shoulders, but not me.  Here are 10 of my favorite things from my most recent trip.  Don’t look under your seat while reading this, these are island exclusive. 

1.       The Fedora – This year’s “IT” fashion item.  99.6% looked ridiculous in said hat.  I may be biased, but our group featured the best one on the island for day AND night attire.

2.       Rose & Crown – bar hosting sweaty industry night comparable to Faneuil Hall that I would never go to.  Great music where you spend the entire night trying to figure out who is spilling their vodka soda on your feet.  Most likely suspect = YOURSELF.  Great place to determine international heritage of others with the proof of passports. 

3.       White pants – determined to find the perfect pair off island to then drag across a bumper car greased floor to later be soaked in a gallon of bleach purchased at Rite Aid on the way home while sitting in front of your giant fan.

4.       Tropical condoms from your local grocer  – This may be a result of a ferry ride to get some action by a 25 year old boy.  Let’s jazz it up a bit and get something flavored.  Girls LOVE that.  Caution this may result in an awkward cab ride by your "dad" Clyde.

5.       Van Cabs with no seats/seat belts complete with an operating disco ball – may result in head and bodily injuries.  Picture taking is encouraged and one will most likely celebrate not being paralyzed in the morning after doing full somersaults from back to front. 

6.       Bruins Supah Fan – Despite end of the world dance party, this person reminds us of the time lapse in a Stanley Cup attempt, but then demands music to be played.  12 songs circle on repeat for 4 days. 

7.       Making babies with your phone – Can sometimes get tricky when you don’t explain up front that your predicted offspring is one of 7 photos provide in an app especially when the self declared best wingman yells to friend in front of random guy:  “ X, would you like to make a baby with this guy?” Oh, there's an app for that.

8.       Break ups –Breaks ups are tough when you barely recognize each other and they’ve moved on.   Refer to #2.  

9.       “Overtipping” – When you don’t want to ask the 18 year old bartender for your three bucks back leaving him a 12 dollar tip, don’t tell him to have a good summer when tip is left.  Chances are he isn’t going to get very far with your 12 bucks.

10.   Blueberry Vodka – delicious treat that flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.  And when you buy a friend of a friend a drink and they don’t drink it fast enough, don’t drink it and then tell them “technically it wasn’t your drink any way”  This cocktail also leads to excessive jewelry purchases. 

YOU GET A CAR! & YOU GET A CAR! & YOU GET A CAR!....

Sorry, you really only get severely dehydrated and apply to hair school. 

TO THE GHETTO..................

For those of you wondering where I live, boston.com has provided a great shot of my neighborhood.   A few things crossed our minds as we drove through this scene at Carson Beach on the way home from a nice relaxing weekend at Figawi:

Is there a community pool we don't know about?
Did someone drown?  There were circling helicopters.

LUCKILY...

It was just RIVAL GANG FIGHTS.

Welcome home.  
I don't know about you, but  I know I'm looking forward to the Dangerous Minds sequel.