And The Top Xanax/Lithium/Valium Cocktail Consumers Of The Week Are....

Caption: Bull Mastiff goes to work

Caption: I'm not like a girl if that makes any sense

Both Winners: Heavily Intoxicated 

Top Reality Show Supporting Roles Of 2011

Ridiculous – Phaedra’s birthday surprise for Kandi.  He jumped out of a giant box and horrified the guests: 

 

Even ex-stripper Nene Leaks was horrified.  Best quote from Phaedra: “That Ridiculous.  He is just so talented.” (2012 NY Resolution #908:  Perfect Phaedra Parks sound bites)

Pinot Grigio – Beverage of choice for Real Housewives of NYC cast member, Ramona Singer.  As soon as that first glass is poured, the crazy is guaranteed to be unleashed.  

Warning: excessive drinking of pinot can cause one to stop blinking and act batshit crazy.

Glitter mini ponies – Best engagement gift from The Kris Jenner.  I’d also like to give a shout out to her bow ties.  I don’t think it’s catching on but luckily her Dance Mom attitude will keep her kids working well into their 80s.  10% baby. 

Ames’ wooden teeth - He romantically chased after Jackie’s limo after she was booted off The Bachelor Pad, taking himself out of the competition, to win $250 G’s.  Wonder if it seems worth it now.  

I’m convinced this dude’s a robot and I have no doubt in my mind his teeth are made of wood.   

Botox - Kim Richards’ cocktail of medications revealed on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  When plastic surgeon, Paul,  goes to inject her face, he asks her what she’s on.  I’m thinking she left a few things off the list.  Wink, Wink.

I just found this old video of her on the red carpet.  Hammered.

Auto-tune - Real Housewives' Hits like "On Display", "Money Can't Buy You Class", and "The Ring Didn't Mean A Thing" all made possible with Auto-tune.  Turns out these ladies aren't the best singers but A for Effort and kudos to the recording studios for making it work.  Elegance is learned.  Singing is not.

 Personal favorite: Melissa Gorga.  She lives in my iTunes library.

Cheers to 2012.  The new season of The Bachelor starts tonight with winemaker Ben Flajnik.  He lost me with that last name but I could sign up for living on a wine vineyard.  

Looking forward to the house of crazies going after him.  Luckily, he's already dipped his toe into the crazy water with Love Hewitt...

Life Lessons From Kim Kardashian

I've been really wrestling with whether or not I wanted to blog about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' split.  After much consideration, I just have one comment/life lession to share:

Always wait at least 72 days to give the wedding gift.  (Especially when they register for bedazzled napkin rings).

Kim, I'm Worried About You

Poor, poor Kim Richards.  

I thought Whitney and Bobby were the ultimate reality show train wrecks but Kim Richards is slowly taking the cake...Major damage control needs to be done with this reality show star and former child actor.  If you saw Monday's episode, she unveiled her new boyfriend.  She met him in her neighborhood when she went out to get the mail.  One more reason to switch to paperless billing...What a looker...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I'm almost positive I've seen him on To Catch a Predator toting a grocery bag full of Mike's Hard Lemonades and condoms.  Have a seat...

I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he's her crystal meth dealer.  Just sayin.


I was a fan of Kim long before her Real Housewives debut when she played the naive Cheryl in Meatballs II.  Life lesson learned from Kim in that movie - Never, ever trust a guy named Flash.

Her incessant rambling and outbursts are beyond entertaining.  I'm a little confused as to why she signed up for a 2nd season of Real Housewives, but when you're drinking a tall glass of crazy the decision making skills can really take a nose dive.   Her craziness is almost fascinating to me.  Sometimes I think she's drunk.  Sometimes I think she's high but there's never any evidence that this is the root of the problem.  I'm looking forward to seeing how the reveal of her new relationship unfolds. I'm sure Kyle and Kath Hilton are freaking out...time to pull the cameras girls.

If anyone has insight into what is causing her crazy behavior, I would love to hear it.  I won't be having what Kim Richards is having.


Sidenote: If any one's looking for me this weekend, I'll be hanging out by my mailbox....

Obligatory Blog Slacker Post

Stay tuned.  Been on summer sabbatical...Posts coming soon....

s

Million Dollar Baby

After months of a rigorous and revolutionary exercise routine using dynamic inertia

I’m moving on to boxing class for the first time tomorrow. 

After my coach J gave me the rundown of the workout, I'm confident I will be fine

We Ain't Basketball Wives

"Basketball Wives" is an interesting show title for the VH1 Reality Show.  Considering almost all of the characters featured are not a wife of a basketball player.  Mainly ex girlfriends, ex-wives, and dancers who once ran in the same NBA circle.  No NBA nuptials, however, you can be guaranteed to see some type of hand in the face, drink throwing fight every episode immediately broken up by a security guard.  I would start public fights all the time if I knew someone would be there to break it up IMMEDIATELY. 

So here is my new working title for the show: “We ain’t basketball wives but we like talking sh*t in different restaurants throughout Miami"

Don’t get me wrong I ain’t got no problem with their eloquently spoken conversations followed with “You know what I’m sayin???” after every statement.   Bad acrylic nails and hoop earrings the size of my hand flailing when they launch drinks at each other really round out the show. 

Here's a character run down:

Evelyn:  engaged to a football player. 

Jennifer: married to a basketball player but getting divorced.  She's been dragging that one out for the past 2 seasons. 

Royce:  she is self proclaimed not ghetto but she's hood.  Fantastic dancer.

Suzie:  I'm still trying to figure our how her lisp has helped her land several basketball players.  If her and I ever meet, I’m going to ask her to say “pizza and orange juice” 

Shaunie: my favorite.  Shaq’s ex wife.  She is about four feet tall and loves to get the gals together to stir up some drama. 

Meeka:  WOW.  She can talk. 

Tami: from The Real World San Fran.  She’s always been a favorite reality show character of mine.   Does anyone remember when she had her jaw wired shut to lose weight?  Always a great move when you're filming a reality show.

This quote was recently featured:  "I can change my hair, I can change my clothes but she can’t change the fact that she’s ho."

And with POWERFUL statements like that I will be tuning in regularly.   My only suggestion: Let’s get the Kardashian sisters in the mix here.  Crap, Khloe is ACTUALLY married to a player.  That ain’t gonna work.  Ya know what I’m sayin??